new employee info packet for minions/henchmen

[barguestspirit]

DESERT LORDS INC.
New employee information packet

Dear employee;

I would like to personally welcome you aboard. You should congratulate yourself for obtaining a position with the largest and fastest growing company in the land, you should be very happy. I know that with a little determination and teamwork, we will be successful in enslaving the whole of the human race, as well as swiftly putting down any uprisings and silencing any who dare oppose our rule. Take some time to peruse your employee handbook, any further questions should be directed to your supervisor. I look foward to commanding each and every one of you on the battlefield.


Sincerely,
Jasaad Duthane
(Founder, C.E.O. and Ruler of everybody & everything)


-Hiring policy(nondiscrimination)
-Performance reviews
-Dress code
-Rules & regulations
-Disciplinary action
-Post locations and contacts
-Bulletin board notices




HIRING POLICY (nondiscrimination)
Desert Lords Inc. offers equal employment oppertunities to all, regardless of species, race, religion, age, gender, appearence, primary language, physical or mental disabilities, mortal status, or sexual orientation. We strive to make sure all applicants are given equal consideration for hiring, transfers, or promotions. Wether you be wartok, golem, grull, trog, dragon, griffon, four limbed demon, skeleton, yeti or ghost, you have a place with our company. Humans may still apply of course....even though you'll all be dead or enslaved soon.

Those employees who are elderly or disabled may contact the head of the handicapped employee affairs department, Bonegrinder, at the Andrellian Isles storm lair for information regarding any assistance you may require.

If you are an undead employee, you may wish to seek out the department for employment after death. Services and activities include support groups, mixers, employee assistance, and excercise clubs. Flyers are often posted on the bulletin boards.


DRESS CODE
We want all DESERT LORDS Inc. employees to look their best. Each department has it's own dress code policies, any questions about your post's particular policy should be directed to your supervisor.
-Hair or fur must be combed and kept neat and tidy.
-All weapons and shields should be in an adequate state of repair.
-Clothes should be washed at least once a month and free of multiple holes/tears.
-Tattoos and piercings are welcome. Piercings in the ears, nipples, or nose are regulatory in some positions.
-Any skirts worn must be at an appropriate length, the "bend over rule" applies. Some kind of undergarment MUST be worn underneath skirts.
-Scales, wings, and bones should be polished regularly.
-Loincloths MUST be large enough to conceal naughty parts.
-Claws or talons should be sharpened and clear of dirt or blood.
-Eye lasers should be maintained regularly and kept in good working order.


RULES & REGULATIONS
We have a general list of rules here at DESERT LORDS Inc. that we want our employees to abide by. Rules may differ from post to post and are subject to change at any time. We suggest you DO NOT displease your supervisors.
-You MUST obey any and all orders from your superiors.
-No fraternizing with enemies. That includes any inhabitants of Surdana and dragons or humans of the order.
-No sleeping, socializing, reading, or daydreaming on the job.
-Urinating of defecating anywhere but a restroom facility is strictly forbidden.
-Any intruders are to be addressed according to your post's policy. Generally accepted phrases include: You..not belong here. All human die! I crush your skull! Yaaababababa! Wait...Stop! Run! Weak Human. Huuuman Die! Grunts, laughs, squeaks, screeches, and roars will also suffice. Remember that actions speak louder than words! Don't forget to use your weapons to greet those who don't belong. Remember this little saying, "When in doubt...whip your axe out."
-In order for employees to work effectivly as a team, they should get along. Please refrain from arguing, fighting, stealing from, hitting/pushing/shoving/kicking, biting, setting aflame, stabbing, spitting on, or killing each other. That's no way to behave.

DISCIPLINARY ACTIONS
Should you fail to abide by the rules, regulations, or guidelines, you will earn yourself a disciplinary action. I suggest you avoid even putting yourself in this position.
-first infraction receives a verbal warning.
-second infraction receives a written citation.
-third infraction receives a 1 week suspension without pay.
-fourth infraction will result in termination of employment.
Your supervisor may completely bypass the above disciplinary actions in favor of splitting your skull. This is, of course, at the supervisor's discretion.

POST LOCATIONS & CONTACTS
-Kragmor. Supervisor: Snotmaw.
-Surdana and outlying area. Supervisors: The Inquisitor, Olak.
-Andrellian Isles. Supervisor: Bonegrinder.
-Shadowmire. Supervisor: Toadfist.
-Ravenshold and outlying area. Supervisor: Daemog.
-Shiverbane. Supervisor: Maulgak.
-City of the Damned. Supervisor: Khossa Vole
-Valley of the Fallen & Desert of Tears. Supervisor: Zola Dane.
-Ruins & Sanguinade. Supervisor: Gothraul.
-Stratos;Grotus's Lair. Supervisor: Grotus.
-Stratos;Flesh Mage's palace. Supervisor: The Flesh Mage.



BULLETIN BOARD

(Bones Only Yoga Class-City of the Damned)
Our weekly skeleton yoga class is now on Monday nights instead of Thursday nights. We are still having classes in the west graveyard. Remember to bring your own mats and water bottles. For more information, contact Khossa Vole.

(Notice-Kragmor post)
Please remember to clean up after yourselves! You are wearing out the cleaning grull! The employee restroom is in the east dungeon, it's there for a reason. Please use it! Nobody likes to step in your muck. We've already had three employees slip and fall. Grok fell and hurt his back just last week! If I catch anybody going anywhere BUT the restroom again, I crush your skull!
Thank You
-Kragmor management

(Weight Training circuit-Grotus's palace)
Alright everybody! Time to get those arms in shape! All four of em'! We have just received a brand new set of weights and training equipment thanks to our master's very generous donation. You'll be swinging those swords with renewed strength in no time! The weight room is open at all times, classes are held tues. & thurs mornings starting at 9:00 AM. We'll whip all you flying weaklings into shape!

(Trog arts & crafts-Shadowmire)
Explore your artistic side with our arts and crafts fair this Sunday morning from 10:00 AM to 1:00 PM. Workshops in still-life painting, ribbon making, t-shirt decorating, bead stringing, and origami will be offered for free. Make beautiful silk flower arrangements, clothespin reindeer, pipe cleaner & pom pom creations, tile mosaics, and cross-stitch designs. Fun for the whole family!

(Single Skeleton mixer-catacombs)
Single? Just bones and no flesh? Looking for love? Come to our singles mixer Friday night and meet lots of single skeletons just like you in a friendly and relaxing atmosphere. Plenty of free drinks and snacks, dancing, and music! Musical guest Johnny Bones and the Skullheads will be playing from 9:00 PM-11:30 PM. We are also hiring DJs, ask for the Skeleton King (the one with the big flaming sword) Event starts at 8:30 PM in the monastary catacombs. Name tags will handed out at the door.

(Employee Services-counseling)
Have you been feeling down lately? Going through a rough time? Having problems at home? Just haven't been yourself? We all experience hard times, you aren't alone. Just remember that my door is always open to those who need to talk. The Flesh Mage offers all kinds of counseling services for individuals, couples, adolescent issues, substance abuse, and post traumatic stress disorder. Therapy options include talk therapy, hypnotherapy, acupuncture, REMT, pyschotherapy, and drug therapy when needed. Sessions are completely confidential. Don't spend another day miserable! Make an appointment to see The Flesh Mage, and start enjoying life (or death) again!

(Company Picnic-Stratos)
Attention all employees! Our company picnic will be held this Saturday from 11:30 AM to 3:00 PM, at the northwest island in Stratos. Bring the whole family! Join all your coworkers for a fun filled day! Plenty of BBQ and drinks to go around. A raffle will be held, prizes include a brand new Mithril club, a set of shiny new head pikes, unbreakable tempest sword set, season passes to the Half-man gladiator games, an strap-on iron claw set, and a steel skull crusher. Lots of games and activities such as human head soccer, snow yak raceing, scapula bone frisby, log chopping contest, archery competition, exploding barrel shotput, and three-legged races. There will also be dragon rides for the kids, tattooing by jagclaw the trog, massage booth by Daemog, and beginning mage lessons. Please RSVP. If you would like to volunteer, contact your supervisor. We still need dragons to run the BBQs, axe wielders for food preparation, and frost grull to help with the beverages.

[Outlaw Wyvern]

That has to be one of the best, funniest examples of Drakan humor ever!
barguestspirit, I could repeat it twenty times, "you rule-you rule-you RULE!!!
Creatures of the night, keeping busy!
Really... dynamite sense of humor!

[Arokhs Twin]

I agree, it made me smile and laugh. Like it!

[PYRO@13]

NICE! RIGHT ON! YOU GO GIRL,err,guy? nevermind. YOU ROCK DUDE, i think. nevermind.[:I]

[Outlaw Wyvern]

Nice to finally meet you after all these years, PYRO... are you gonna tell this committee where the "items" are buried?

Seriously, welcome to Arokh's Lair!

barguestspirit is a gal, iirc.

[PYRO@13]

hey! wassssssuuuuuppp? Glad i finally got someone to talk to on here.[:D][:D][:D]

[Navaros Twin]

Dispicable!
I HATE DESERT LORDS!!!
GRR!!!
Oh btw, the Troggs in Shadowmire keep whacking eachother so they should be terminated.

[PYRO@13]

WHAT!!![:0] you hate desert lords, but you are Navaros's twin[:(!]!I guess you must be a good guy then.[8D]

[Navaros Twin]

I don't think Desert Lords are part of the Dark Union now, are they?...

[Arokhs Twin]

No, they are not. They are a new enemy and in the story Drakan: Order Reborn, the Dark Union hates them and wants rid of them just as much as the Order...

[Navaros Twin]

[Sunspark]

Oh wow, cool barquestspirit, this is so funny i have to just read it over and over again.